


Blonde Shark

by ReticentResolve



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Crack, Like, M/M, plot generators, seriously, wtf even is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 19:32:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15347094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReticentResolve/pseuds/ReticentResolve
Summary: I...I don't even know. Me and my brother pulled an all nighter watching memes and putting stuff into this website a while ago. I went back to it, and this happened.Here's a little preview:RYOMAYou can start by telling me where this happened.SAIZOI was...SAIZO fans himself and begins to wheeze.RYOMAFocus Saizo, focus! Where did it happen?SAIZONohr! That's right - Nohr!





	1. Chapter 1

# Blonde Shark

A Screenplay by https://www.plot-generator.org.uk/movie-script/

**INT. HOSHIDO - AFTERNOON**

Tall Samurai LORD RYOMA II is arguing with Dark Monk SIR AZAMA OF HOSHIDO. RYOMA tries to hug AZAMA but he shakes him off.

 

RYOMA  
Please Azama, don't leave me.

 

AZAMA  
I'm sorry Ryoma, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

 

RYOMA  
I am such a person!

AZAMA frowns.

 

AZAMA  
I'm sorry, Ryoma. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

AZAMA leaves.

 

RYOMA sits down, looking defeated.

 

Moments later, Snarky Ninja SIR SAIZO V barges in looking flustered.

 

RYOMA  
Goodness, Saizo! Is everything okay?

 

SAIZO  
I'm afraid not.

 

RYOMA  
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

 

SAIZO  
It's ... a shark ... I saw an evil shark squish a bunch of babies!

  

RYOMA  
 _Defenseless_ babies?

 

SAIZO  
Yes, defenseless babies!

 

RYOMA  
Bloomin' heck, Saizo! We've got to do something.

 

SAIZO  
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

 

RYOMA  
You can start by telling me where this happened.

 

SAIZO  
I was...

 

SAIZO fans himself and begins to wheeze.

 

RYOMA  
Focus Saizo, focus! Where did it happen?

 

SAIZO  
Nohr! That's right - Nohr!

 

RYOMA springs up and begins to run.

  


**EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS**

RYOMA rushes along the street, followed by SAIZO. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

  


**INT. NOHR - SHORTLY AFTER**

XANDER OF NOHR a Blonde shark terrorises two babies.

 

RYOMA, closely followed by SAIZO, rushes towards XANDER, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

 

SAIZO  
What is is? What's the matter?

 

RYOMA  
That's not just any old shark, that's Xander of Nohr!

  

SAIZO  
Who's Xander of Nohr?

 

RYOMA  
Who's Xander of Nohr? _Who's Xander of Nohr?_ Only the most Blonde shark in the universe!

 

SAIZO  
Blinkin' knickers, Ryoma! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Blonde shark in the universe!

 

RYOMA  
You can say that again.

  

SAIZO  
Blinkin' knickers, Ryoma! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most Blonde shark in the universe!

 

RYOMA  
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.

 

Xander turns and sees Ryoma and Saizo. He grins an evil grin.

 

XANDER  
Ryoma II, we meet again.

 

SAIZO  
You've met?

 

RYOMA  
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

**EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME**

A young RYOMA is sitting in a park listening to some orchestra music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

 

He looks up and sees XANDER. He takes off his headphones.

 

XANDER  
Would you like some mochi?

 

RYOMA's eyes light up, but then he studies XANDER more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

RYOMA  
I don't know, you look kind of Blonde.

 

XANDER  
Me? No. I'm not Blonde. I'm the least Blonde shark in the world.

  

RYOMA  
Wait, you're a shark?

 

RYOMA runs away, screaming.

  


**INT. NOHR - PRESENT DAY**

 

XANDER  
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

 

SAIZO  
(To RYOMA) You ran away?

 

RYOMA  
(To SAIZO) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

 

RYOMA turns to XANDER.

 

RYOMA  
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

 

RYOMA runs away.

 

He turns back and shouts.

 

RYOMA  
I mean, I _am_ running away, but I'll be back - _with paperweights_.

 

XANDER  
I'm not scared of you.

 

RYOMA  
You should be.

 

  


**INT. MOKUSHU - LATER THAT DAY**

RYOMA and SAIZO walk around searching for something.

 

RYOMA  
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.

 

SAIZO  
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.

 

RYOMA  
You know nothing Saizo V.

  

SAIZO  
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

 

Suddenly, XANDER appears, holding a pair of paperweights.

 

XANDER  
Looking for something?

 

SAIZO  
Crikey, Ryoma, he's got your paperweights.

 

RYOMA  
Tell me something I don't already know!

 

SAIZO  
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

 

RYOMA  
I know that already!

 

SAIZO  
I'm afraid of sausages.

 

XANDER  
(appalled) Dude!

 

While XANDER is looking at SAIZO with disgust, RYOMA lunges forward and grabs his deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

RYOMA  
Prepare to die, you Blonde potato!

 

XANDER  
No please! All I did was squish a bunch of babies!

 

AZAMA enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

RYOMA  
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Ryoma II defender of innocent babies.

 

XANDER  
Don't hurt me! Please!

  

RYOMA  
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!

 

XANDER  
Because Ryoma, I am your father.

 

RYOMA looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

 

RYOMA  
No you're not!

 

XANDER  
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

 

XANDER tries to grab the paperweights but RYOMA dodges out of the way.

 

RYOMA  
Who's the daddy now? Huh? _Huh?_

 

Unexpectedly, XANDER slumps to the ground.

 

SAIZO  
Did he just faint?

 

RYOMA  
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.

 

RYOMA crouches over XANDER's body.

 

SAIZO  
Be careful, Ryoma. It could be a trick.

 

RYOMA  
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Xander of Nohr is dead!

 

RYOMA  
What?

 

RYOMA  
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

 

SAIZO claps his hands.

 

SAIZO  
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.

 

AZAMA steps forward.

 

AZAMA  
Is it true? Did you kill the Blonde shark?

 

RYOMA  
Azama how long have you been...?

 

AZAMA puts his arm around RYOMA.

 

AZAMA  
Long enough.

 

RYOMA  
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Xander of Nohr.

 

AZAMA  
Then the babies are safe?

 

RYOMA  
It does seem that way!

 

A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.

 

AZAMA  
You are their hero.

 

The babies bow to RYOMA.

 

RYOMA  
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Xander of Nohr will never squish babies ever again, is enough for me.

 

AZAMA  
You are humble as well as brave!

 

One of the babies passes RYOMA a wooden ring

 

AZAMA  
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

 

RYOMA  
I couldn't possibly.

 

Pause.

 

RYOMA  
Well, if you insist.

 

RYOMA takes the ring.

 

RYOMA  
Thank you.

 

The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.

 

RYOMA turns to AZAMA.

 

RYOMA  
Does this mean you want me back?

 

AZAMA  
Oh, Ryoma, of course I want you back!

 

RYOMA smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

 

RYOMA  
Well you can't have me.

 

AZAMA  
 _WHAT?_

 

RYOMA  
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a shark to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

 

AZAMA  
But...

 

RYOMA  
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Saizo.

 

SAIZO grins.

 

AZAMA  
But...

 

SAIZO  
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

 

AZAMA  
Ryoma?

 

RYOMA  
I'm sorry Azama, but I think you _should_ skidaddle.

 

AZAMA leaves.

 

SAIZO turns to RYOMA.

 

SAIZO  
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

 

RYOMA  
Of course you are!

 

The two walk off arm in arm.

 

Suddenly SAIZO stops.

 

SAIZO  
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the shark don't you?

 

 

THE END

 


	2. The Warped Sandwich

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I um...I did another.

# The Warped Sandwich

## A Mystery  
by https://www.plot-generator.org.uk/create.php?type=5

The chilly, seaside town of Mokushu holds a secret.

Lord Ryoma has the perfect life working as a nurse in the city and loving with his smart boyfriend, Saizo the Fifth.

However, when he finds a warped sandwich in his cellar, he begins to realise that things are not quite as they seem in the Ryoma family.

A Christening leaves Lord with some startling questions about his past, and he sets off to old-fashioned Mokushu to find some answers.

At first the people of Mokushu are bold and kind. He is intrigued by the curiously optimistic homemaker, Azama of Hoshido. However, after he introduces him to hard caffeine, Lord slowly finds himself drawn into a web of robbery, decadence and perhaps, even abduction.

Can Lord resist the charms of Azama of Hoshido and uncover the secret of the warped sandwich before it's too late, or will his demise become yet another Mokushu legend?


	3. Mangled Fingernails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why do I keep doing these?

# The Mangled Fingernails

## A Crime Thriller  
by https://www.plot-generator.org.uk/create.php?type=2

Mangled fingernails have been turning up all over Hoshido and the inhabitants are scared. Ten murders in ten weeks, all committed with a spoon, and still nobody has a clue who the malicious killer is.

Sir Saizo the Fifth is a podgy and gracious gardener with a fondness for making birthday cards. He doesn't know it yet but he is the only one who can stop the cold-blooded killer.

When his Lord, Ryoma the King of Hoshido, is kidnapped, Sir the Fifth finds himself thrown into the centre of the investigation. His only clue is a crumpled ruler.

He enlists the help of a brave lawyer called Kagero of Hoshido.

Can of Hoshido help the Fifth overcome his chocolate addiction and find the answers before the thoughtless killer and his deadly spoon strike again?

**Author's Note:**

> I...I don't even know.


End file.
